what is sine cera

sine cera is a latin phrase meaning "without wax", historically used to indicate that pottery or marble sculptures were made well. people would use wax to temporarily conceal cracks and imperfections in their work eventually revealing the craftsmans true effort. i am full of wax and ive spent a lot of my life really hating that in myself. i fear that eventually everyone who loves me or likes me will see that it was a lie. i fear that the same will be revealed of my work. because this is true what can i do? i try to accept that i am full of wax, i aim to make beautiful honest work in spite of this, and i practice honoring my faults in this process. i think its ok to have wax. my work is often corny and broken but its my work nonetheless. i have spent much of my life not creating out of fear that my brokenness will be recognized. my fear of judgement and the consequences of not realizing my creative visions are corrosive to my spirit and thus corrosive to my environment. i find great relief and freedom in making art. my name is quinn turlington and today i am 33. i live in new haven ct. i paint and restore houses for a living. i love my team and my community. i love making music and performing. i love making things. i love to run and exercise. i love to play. i love latinas. as a kid my parents gave me the freedom to stay up as late as i wanted so long as i stayed in my room. no tv or food or bothering them, just playing with toys until i fell asleep. i had big plastic boxes filled with random crafts and toys and legos and blocks and whatever. i would rather have been watching tv or eating or pulling on them but that was the rule. and it was quiet and scary to be alone like that but once i would break through that barrier that membrane wall it was ok and i would make little things. i remember taping together batteries and imagining them giving power to some fantasy contruction and i would be an inventor. i dont think im smart enough to actually invent mechanical things but i have a lot of ideas. fast forward through a lot of tv and eating and getting high and running away from that silence i feel like now i find salvation in that same discipline of keeping myself in that bedroom. i hate myself when i am not making time to be in that silence . anyways my best time as an adult now is making stuff and finding calmness in the silence and it protects me from eating too much and shutting myself off and i want to look back oin my life and see that i made a bunch of things even if they are retarded and dont actually move or do anything. these are all things that are cool to me an pertain to my life and are useful in some way.